“Fantastic” and “incredible” are big words to use for a book, but I feel that the concepts being communicated are so counter-intuitive from our predisposed I’m-the-parent-so-I-deserve-respect way of thinking, that the potential for revolutionized parent-child relationships is, indeed, incredible.
The premise of the book is a call away from a punishment-based mentality. Fear is opposed to love and punishment is about fear. Instead, Danny encourages parents to empower your children to encounter the consequences of their decisions — good or bad. Parents have a role to protect their child from life-threatening or long-term consequences, but through guiding questions and freedom, we introduce them to consequences and allow them to find that we are a wealth of wisdom that can save them from those consequences. So it’s not a power-play, but a display of power — their power — to make decisions.
Big takeaways from Loving our kids on purpose
- Every human is a powerful being; worthy of respect and capable of making decisions and enduring the consequences.
- Relationships operate in love and respect, not in power struggles. No one wins in “Red Truck, Yellow Truck.”
- Punishment breeds fear. Respect breeds trust and love.
- I cannot force my child to respect me through threats or power plays. By enabling them to be powerful, I show respect and earn theirs.
- My goal is not compliance, but to have a loving heart-connection with my child. This “kite string” of love will keep us connected, even when my child is at a distance, being blown in the freedom of adolescence and adulthood.
- When my child is free to choose, they are free to encounter the effects of those decisions.
- Children are smart. Instead of barking orders, I can present their problems to them so they can learn to engage their own brains in finding a solution.